Navel Gazing

I’m writing from O’Hare after having gone to the National Pastors Convention in San Diego, and dang is it cold up here! It was hard to leave Alyssa and Lucas behind, and I could tell from our frequent phone conversations that having the baby on her own for the week was hard on Alyssa. I took the red eye home to get back that much sooner, but now I’m questioning the wisdom of this decision. It’s been a while since I’ve felt this tired. I hope getting home in a few hours and kissing Alyssa and the baby will make it all seem worthwhile. I miss them both very much.

It’s funny. When I first started this career, I used to dream about how great it would be to travel and talk with people and so on—to be a jet-setting editor with “all the right moves.” Now I don’t know. I had a great time Monday through Wednesday of this trip, but Thursday and Friday wore on me. I guess it’s Lucas; he changes everything.

Am I becoming a home body? Who would have thought? I’ve always thought of myself as a bit of a thrill seeker, yet now this desire to be and stay home is so strong. It’s all very strange to me, but undeniable. It feels like growing up, somehow.

I talked to Brian McLaren for a short bit about his travels overseas, and hearing how the rest of the world perceives not just Americans, but American Christians, tempts me to despair. He pointed out that 10 percent of our defense budget last year could do something like feed and immunize everyone on the planet who is in need of such. God help us.

Also, let me state for the record here that it is only because of Christians like Brian that I can still call myself a Christian.

I was also aware during this trip just how unsure of myself I am, how much self-doubt I have, how much I wonder whether others think I am virtuous or competent. I know in my soul that I’m at least trying to be virtuous and that I know some things about book making, but still, somehow the doubts creep in, especially when you’re talking with people who are so educated and informed. I don’t know. The journey of life, I guess.